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You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.
I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had names. - Demitri Martin
Christmas is a magic holiday... it makes all you money disappear.
"I never apologize. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am..."
I might have a problem w/ procrastination. I found a website explaining how to overcome it, but I just bookmarked the page to read it later.
"The last thing I wanna do is hurt your feelings. It's still on my list, though."
"How to know when a champagne is sofisticated: if you can buy it, it isn't.
Dear optimist, pessimist and realist, while you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, the opportunist.
"My bf says I never listen to him (or something like that)"
You know you're amazing when people you don't even know hate you.
I've been waiting for the bus so long, someone just stapled a lost cat flyer to my chest.
I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning :)
"That's a cool chair." "Yeah, I know. It rocks."
You mess with me or my family, you mess with the whole trailer park!
My graduation speech:"First, I'd like to thank Google. Secondly, I'd like to thank copy and paste. Thirdly I'd like to thank the creators.."
A blond texts a brunette 'What does IDK mean' the brunette replies 'I Don't Know' then the blond replies: 'No one seems to know''
A zoology teacher asks the class 'what is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class answers: a lioness
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
That moment when you walk into a spider web and suddenly turn into karate master.
My boyfriend is my bed.
Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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